I’m not really sure when it happened, as it came about quite slowly; and snuck up on me like a tiny poisonous brown recluse… eight tiny legs, marked back, venom, and all. After the initial attack, the sideswipes and the side effects were just as vicious. The after effects of such things can do that to you sometimes.
I had had many conversations with the LORD in regards to my future. He had even been so generous as to give me visions of what He wanted me to do for His Kingdom… or so I had thought. I was to write and speak for HIM… allowing myself to be used as a vessel for His glory, His Holy Name, and His goodness. To encourage and inspire as His Will led, and not to compromise on my principles… or more importantly, HIS.
And then the bite of all bites… CHRONIC ILLNESS. Without going into a lot of medical jargon and/or scientific blah, blah, blah, I can tell you that I was diagnosed with Addison’s Disease (adrenal insufficiency) five years ago. In that moment, I felt that my ministry was over before it had really begun. How in the world could I be in THIS place of constant ill being, and still serve my God to the fullest of my capabilities, and to the depth at which I presumed He desired?
I instantly went from being able to vacuum lampshades and blinds, to having to make a decision on which was more important on any particular day… a shower OR dinner for my family. The fatigue and pain will rock you into a place of unpleasentries, and give you all the feels… in a most negative, adverse, ill-minded kind of way. Irrelevance, vulnerability, reclusiveness, devalue, and the all encompassing feeling of letting everyone down all at once are only a few of the mind games the enemy uses to mess with ones head in their weakest of moments. Shoot… I was voted MOST DEPENDABLE in high school!! Now, I feel as though I need to give back that title, and go with something a little more… ME (for this moment). Maybe something like Most Undependable. Most Untrustworthy. Most Likely to Let You Down. See… mind games.
I’ve not ever been angry with God. I’ve never cried out of anger towards Him. I’ve never rejected His name in spite of what He has allowed to be. I did, however, ask Him one question, and that was, “Why me, LORD?”
“Why NOT you?”
moved by Grace